I am trying desperately to work through my emotions before tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day when I will really have to admit that my friend, my kindred spirit, Jamie, is gone. That this world no longer holds his wonderful laughter, creativity, and his courage. Tomorrow I will gather with his family and friends who have become family to say goodbye.
His last few days were hard, I have been told. I could see it when I visited with him. We talked about it briefly, I felt awkward and stupid – not knowing that to say. But his passing was quiet and peaceful. While I will miss him, I am glad that his suffering is over. I wish I could feel peaceful about his going. I feel so many doubts, so much anger.
It had been a while since I had seen him when I wrote the following. For so long he didn’t seem sick at all – just very tired. And then he took at turn for the worse – all too fast. The cancer that had been eating away finally reared its head and we saw the struggle that Jamie had been facing.
These are raw, rough emotions that need to be let out.
Too Soon
I have seen death come
on little cat feet
to the aged, the ready
rubbing against their legs
welcomed and stroked
with quiet, secret smiles
“I want to go home”
my grandmother sighed
as she lay curled around death’s paw
But this
this green yellow monster
stole in, insinuating
invading
The dark disguising mantle
dropped and the soft metaphors
vanished
This death is ragged edges
needle points, poison, pills
unwelcome, unready
it should not have come
I want to scream
“DO NOT GO GENTLE!
RAGE!”
I want to pick up this death’s
weapons and turn them upon it
with fury
so quick
so sure
it would slink back
to the dank cancerous cave
from which it spawned
But this is not my fight
I am only a bystander
and my furious cries
Silenced
By my grief and doubts
lest they be considered
insincere
or worse
My greatest fear
lies in the knowledge
my silent cries, my pleas
may go unheard by greater ears
No succour
no whispered or shouted
comfort, no rest
for stifled rage
While this beast steals
my friend from me, his family,
from his life that should be
It wraps its skeletal arms
around bony shoulders and
grins
“That’s when I feel I am done”
he quietly intoned
as he discussed
the possibility of pain
and the careful balance needed
to keep the beast at bay
For now
And my stupid words in reply
haunt me, as cancer
taunts me with eyes hungrily
searching my family, my friends
for its next meal
My words, my arms spread
wide, seem too thin to protect
too little prepared to block out
the gulping grossness
Desperate, I wish to throw
my friend behind me to safety
to slam down
a magical staff of power
sparks flying and shining against the darkness
YOU SHALL NOT PASS
I would scream
And he would flee
saved
But all I have are these
pathetic scribbles
scrawled too early
and too late
They will not hold back
the balrog or
the padded paws
©Lori MacDonald 2011
--- I am blessed that I got to see Jamie one more time after I wrote this. I got to tell him that I loved him. I wish I could have said more. I know that I will mourn his passing for a long time, but I also want to be able to celebrate his life.
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