Light, Darkness and Poetry Personified Unpleasantly

Like most things that I start that don't have specific deadlines, I have been VERY delinquent with this. I had great intentions, but they floundered in the mire of daily life and trying to be a mother, wife, professional, friend, and the plethora of other things we try to do.
Lately I have felt that I have failed in many ways. And this blog was one of the failings. So, today I was going to delete it. I was going to move on.
Then I read the comments posted and I was heartened to keep trying.

I am still working on Kim Addonizio's book and one line has stayed with me through it -- and through this as well. Forgive the language, but it spoke-- "Poetry is a b****. It wants your energy, your intelligence, your spirit, your time. No wonder you want to avoid it" (57). This spoke to me, because I can't seem to write these days, no matter my intentions, needs or drive. And as I was reading, I found myself even more taken in as Addonizio states: "Secretly you feel too boring or stupid to write good poetry. You felt ugly as a child; you still do. You don't know if you can truly love anyone. You are afraid to leave the house some days. You can't make small talk. Or you talk too much, and lie in bed in the middle of the night regretting the things you said." So often when I am reading I find myself wishing I could have the same experience as the author or the character, that what I am reading is better than my life. But this screamed at me. THIS IS ME!!! And it was so terrifying, so disturbing, that I had to put it away for a while.
But she goes on to quote Sri Aurobindo (Indian yogi, poet and political leader) "You carry in yourself all the obstacles necessary to make your realization perfect. Always you will see that within you the shadow and the light are equal. If you discover a very black hole, a thick shadow, be sure there is somewhere in you a great light. It is up to you to know how to use the one to realize the other."
I am not sure I agree with the whole premise stated here, but I do love the idea that even though I am wallowing in self-pity, drowning in regret, stimied in condescension, there IS a Light that can draw me out. And while Aurobindo states that the light and dark are equal I know the Light is Stronger, Mightier and Better if only I can hold on.

So, your comments have been a glimpse of light for me. I will strive to see more of it. I wiill strive to be more light. And I won't let Poetry intimidate me further. I will make Poetry my muse instead of allowing her to make her toy.